The Discharge Paper

writing diary

Working in a hosital 24/7, during my internship i saw many patients, to a just newborns to a blessed almost a century old  souls, to youths on their heights of physical wellbeing to those crippled with disease.. to those who can suffer so much pain and still endure to those who complain even with inflating cuff of pressure on recording b.p. Yes, I have seen still many, to those who have no hopes left for life yet who hope to make it to those who have every chances to live yet give away. And among these, i saw  many miracles happen. ‘Blessed is the soul who introduced medicine in this world’ i often say to myself who helped escape the  law of ‘survival of the fittest’ of the universe for humans, atleast for now..

But, not everything ends up well and on miracles inside these doors. Sometimes  even though you are a science and fact person, you silently hope for someone to showup with a wand. And when they don’t, you hit to realization back and again ‘Life is cruel’.

Today I sat looking at the discharge paper, that I printed extra for my own sake more than  a year ago, which fell out of nowhere from the bookshelf infront of me. ‘I remember this’ I thought while I remembered a face, a beautiful one  with a smile that was  put onto it with so much effort..  ‘Leukemia, wasn’t it?’ I asked to myself, as I dug in my memories more to remember her hospital stay.  The first time I met her I recall, she was impossible to miss, with ‘beautifully carved facial features on a flawless white skin, young in her 20’s and  just married…’ yet what was haunting about  her was, her eyes ‘pitch Black and out of soul’. And these eyes hollowed more, by each passing day as the cancerous cells drilled  into her system weakening her from the very core.

Throughout the struggles of waxing and waning of her symtoms, a man stood  by her, her husband. ‘For better or for worse’ the wedding vow he had just made with this beautiful woman, was kept into test, time and again beginning after a month of their wedding. Flawlessly  white for an asian, I donot blame him to miss the fact that she was pale and drained. Her family history had leukemia in genes, which had  claimed her maternal uncle years ago and this they had preferred to ignore. Now would it have made any difference if she had been more aware of it or none, this I cannot answer..because I am unsure of deals, between early intervention  and a  quality of life not knowing you have cancer, the choice is always a individual one.

But the thing I cannot forget about him was the fact that I could see, the  leukemia had drained him too not of life but of hopes he had from it. After, hours and hours of internet research and sleepless nights this man knew so much about the cancer, that he often took us by surprise with his indepth questions and medical terminologies. Just a final year graduate back then, I must admit, I was often embarrassed when he turned to me for medical advice instead of the professors, possibly because he thought I was a good friend but my knowledge was very limited. As I worked into computer too, to look for his questions, I often wondered of fears that crept into him as nightmares as he tried to close his eyes, for each of these posts gave him nothing but a sad and honest truth.

A year after, today I wonder if she has made it. There is a phone number in this paper but I cannot call..what would I say? The last time she was in the ward I told her I would visit her but I didn’t. I was supposedly very busy. ‘She was pale and in agony of pain but she still managed to put through a smile for me’ thinking this, a surge of guilt rushes in me. And even more of this guilt drowns me, as I think of her husband, who also greeted me that day with a genuine smile, the one which I knew was quite a rare happening. Because, this gentleman I came to know over a period of time, knew how to fake a smile well. He faked it very often like he was used to.. but a part of him always gave away sometimes as he  silently cried everynight beside her bed, while he researched through webs and webs of  internet and while he talked about his wedding vows and all those  times he thought of himself without her.

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