Just me (on a hospital bed )..

diary

(I wrote it a year ago, when I was hospitalized. I was crazy that time with all these thoughts running in me..i even managed to write a diary. Hopefully you will like it 🙂 )

ME..

(5 years from now i don’t know where i will be.Will i be working on a hospital?will be lying down in a hospital bed? or will just be lost. I dont know.And when you have that three words in your mind “I dont Know” All life stands infront of you is blurr….)

4th day admitted in Hospital after 7 times of being admitted in a row. Now i realize my life isn’t  going as any normal 21 yr woman at my age would be going through. When 1 falls a time they say its bad luck the second time probably worser luck but 7 times, no one needs to tell what is that. What is wrong with me “I dont Know” Wats wrong with her “doctors dont know” that’s the humorous  part. Wide awake at 1.30am at the morning I’m thinking may be this is it,I know it can’t be a big thing but 7 times admitted in a row i also know it cant be a small thing.

My abdomen hurts like hell..i”v been dying to get meds something strong but no they aren’t. It isn’t workin..for 3 nights i haven’t slept.

I look beside me and there next  to me to my waiting is my Mom..My Dear Mom.Tired.. half awake half asleep..I hate to see that look..but i have to.She is the only family i have here. She stays to look after me..and i know the guilt she feels everytime i get sick and if you can only imagine the guilt i feel on me. I won’t lie when i say my mom has a temper. Sometimes she gets irritated too looking after me..that it gets to  the point of yelling on my sick bed. you know how moms go “I told you don’t go to this/that place or eat this/that thing. you are always  running on troubles and bla bla..”But hey “i come from my mom”. I’v got her temper too..so i know she means me all well in her heart.

But uuf..i have given her nothing all along but trouble and more trouble. If something happens to me and i am nolonger to exsist near my mom all she would remember is a hard core child..her daughter who was always grumpy and sick. Thats sad’

My bed’s head end is raised to 90degree. It gives me some comfort in this position,but the disadvantage is, when i open my eyes i can see all around. It isn’t much of a thing to you probably but to me to be sitting in this position and to be looking all around is painful..i see too many faces then there are too many thoughts running in my head and right now I don’t want anything of it..

ZAP>>i jus wan to shut it down like that right now. If there was a computer that could filter all the thoughts i have in my mind right now, i tel you that computer would have blown up long ago. Because there are just too many thoughts streaming in..

So “what am i thinking right now..?” I dont know. Can i pick out one..well lets see.. 1st thing “My Life”..am i done livng it? Hell No..i’ve only just started living it..just started making friends..just started making achievements.. And I JUS FEL IN LOVE’ finalie i know what butterflies in my belly feels like.. I don’t wan these feelings to end. I want to be right there beside my friends making jokes and having fun. Be a part of smallest things that can possibly happen, and ofcourse big things ..

I want to have a family with the man i love..have some romance, some discussion and arguments, you know all what marriage goes through. I want to be there to color my dads grey hair back to black..i want to be there to plate my moms hair when she cant comb her hair anymore.. I want to see my Two bothers and my beautiful sister be something in their life ..I want them to be happily settled.And i want to be their children’s Godmother.Aunt would be totallie fine too..I wouldn’t really mind.

And as for me again i want to grow old..with HIM by my side. you know..it might be too much to say it BUT”””

I envy that look  “the one where your skin is wrinkled but u have that sparkle and brightness in your eyes”

that only the time gives you, with lessons from ages you have lived through.

All i ever wanted was a simple life..all i want is a simple life where i am happy and people all around me are happy too 🙂

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7 thoughts on “Just me (on a hospital bed )..

  1. I’m sad to hear you are sick. I once waited twenty years for a diagnosis. I had to wait for doctors to ‘discover’ the disease I had. They aren’t all they seem to think themselves to be. Don’t start thinking you are making it up. You are THE ONE who knows the truth about you and how your are feeling. I find so many common points in your writing that I’d have to write a book to address them all but what I want you to know is that you have the answers to all you struggle with in you and if you ask God to reveal those answers to you, He will if you trust Him. You can survive all this, go on to thrive, and in your inward person be made better for it. Get well soon.
    Love,
    Pam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You Pam very much for a boosting comment. And i am relieved to know someone out there has gone through what i have went through. and yes there comes a point in life when we do start realizing that there is a greator cause to live, and there is a greator force to guide us. I had multiple biopsies taken and ct/mri all done but all came out to be just inflammatory processes, monthly blood tests and i was failing all of them but here i am “out of it” “Fit and fine” blogging and doing all that i like i want..And after all those 5yrs of suffering here i am alive. I cannot describe the feeling. i wish everyone understood that.
      Hopefully never again. I would love to read your writtings about yoour experience too.

      with love,
      Missmonsoon

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It was “lust inflammatory processes,” you say. There are whole disease categories that are all about inflammatory processes. Inflammation can cause a great deal of pain and suffering. Was it autoimmune? Fibromyalgia? MS? There are many diseases that are inflammatory processes at their core. Don’t think it was nothing because it was inflammatory. That is real.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank You KDKH for your concern 🙂
        yes it can be anything, I mean it could have been anything..But i’m not symptomatic after the last episode so i’m not going back for all the things back and again. I’m starting to think may be i had somatoform disorder or i was a hypochondriac. The last time i was so sure i was a somatoform that i stopped visiting hospital till the very last moment that is when i fainted and had no urine output at all. i know i ‘m crazy. well the diagnosis was peritonitis (?) cause. my blood counts are all back to normal now and the main thing is i don’t have any pain nowdays so its like it never happened so…i would just lke to believe that i had somethig going on and now i’m fine because it is completely treated 😛 cheers to beautiful life ^_^!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish you well. I too have gone years and years trying to find out what is wrong and they come up with somethng finally and half the world doesn’t believe in it. I don’t bother anymore. I live with the pain and write my blogs and I will pray for you to be able to live a normal life. Not that I know what a normal life is. I will pray that you get your dreams. Bless you! And Happy 4th of July if you happen to be in the USA.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. i”m really sorry for the late reply tessa. There was a error on sending message. Thank You for your lovely comment 🙂 Yes i will try my best to live a contented life and a positive one. I hope by just being me i can make a difference. Thank you for your prayers too. I also look forward to read your blogs and please do keep updated it. And please do take care of your health as well.
      Happy 4th of july to you too.
      Love Missmonsoon 🙂

      Like

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